All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
