the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
