Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
