We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
