I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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