I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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