chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
