Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
