Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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