I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
