I'm so fucking centered right now
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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