Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
