Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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