Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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