Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
sarcasm needs its own font
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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