she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
