Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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