it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
