i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
