I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
