he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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