What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
