Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
This gyro tastes like lonliness
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
