looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
