I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
