Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
