it wasn't lemon gatorade
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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