Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I just found a bag of teeth...
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Alive.
So much puke
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
