After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize