don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
