; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Randomize
