fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
