my mouth tastes like poor choices
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Randomize