And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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