i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
