if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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