I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
