She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
zippers are such a cool invention
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize