i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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