So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
