I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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