I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
