ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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