I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
