Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
