I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
