please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
