I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
not ubering you a puppy
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
