I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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