You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
