I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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