You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
