Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
