Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
two words...techno handjob
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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