I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
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