mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
