Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
