last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
