There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
