Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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