Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
i think i just naturally attract stoners
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
